1 Year Later
by omfg-otp
Summary: A year has past since the 'Khan Incident' and James T Kirk is still finding it difficult to face his demons. Little does he know that he's not the only one. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

Jim sat in his chair on the bridge of the Enterprise. Surrounded by his alpha shift crew, he felt at home. It had been a month since they left earth, a month since their 5 year mission had started and they were on route to their first destination in deep space.

It had taken a year, but Jim had finally recovered from Khans attack. From his death. The admiralty had granted him the privilege of captaining the longest mission ever attempted. He was back on his ship. He was home.

Gazing out of the screen in front of him, Jim thought about his last year, grounded on earth. He had spent a two whole months in the Starfleet hospital, thanks to Bones. he hadn't let Jim leave until he was confident that Jim could survive on his own. it took him a couple of week to even start walking again. Thinking back to that time now made Jim feel nauseous. He had always been an independent person, able to cope in even the harshest conditions on his own, but for those two months, Jim had been totally reliant on everyone around him. It had been awful. The pitying looks he received from and visitor, the look in the nurses eyes a she spoon fed him soup. He could practically hear her thinking 'He'll never captain a ship again'.

Jim shifted in his chair, trying to expel the feeling of nausea and dread. It was a feeling he was used to, Bones told him it was part of his PTSD, but it was never usually this bad. He could feel the emotions wash over his body. His hands started to shake, breath beginning to shorten. He realised what was going on not a moment too soon. He was having a panic attack.

He had to get out of there. He couldn't let any of his crew see him like this. They would think he wasn't fit for duty. They would report him to Starfleet.

"Spock, take the Con" he gasped as he practically ran to the turbo lift. As soon as the doors closed, he collapsed against the wall, breathing heavily and shaking all over. The turbo lift to him to the empty observation deck (thank God). He stumbled out and on to the floor.

He made an effort to slow his breathing, trying to remember how to deal with it, but his brain was fuzzy. He couldn't think right. All he could see and feel was khan's face, and the pain of his death in the radiation chamber. His breath sped up as he tried to get oxygen to his brain. Somehow, it only made him feel worse. He didn't know how long he'd been sprawled out on the floor. It felt like a year, but also a second simultaneously. He was sure he was going to pass out soon.

But then Spock was there, kneeling in front of him.

"Captain, are you alright?"

"Spock" he gasped, but couldn't utter anything further.

"Hold on Captain" Spock told him as he swept Jim into his arms, bridal style. Then Jim passed out.

As soon as he awoke, Jim knew he was in the sick bay by the smell of antiseptic in his nose, and the comfortable bed on which he was lying. Sitting up and rubbing his eyes, he looked around, immediately spotting the familiar sight of Bones approaching armed with a tricorder and a hypospray. Jim instantly feared for his health.

"Calm down, I just need to scan you." he said as he approached, sensing Jim's apprehension. The latter sighed, and slumped back into his pillows.

"What happened?" he asked his friend.

"What do you remember?" Bones asked cautiously.

"I was..." he sighed again, he'd forgotten why he was here. That could mean either one of two things, he had gotten himself totally shitfaced, and had the world's worst hangover or... "I had a panic attack, didn't I?"

"You don't remember?"

Jim thought back for a second.

"I remember it starting on the bridge, I had to get outta there, but my memories blank after that."

"Spock found you on the observation deck, brought you here unconscious." Jim nodded at the doctors words. Sounded about right to him.

"Jim, has this happened before?" Bones asked.

"Yeah, but not recently." he answered, adding "after Tarsus."

Bones nodded, not needing him to say anything further. His friend was well aware of the horrors of Jims past.

"To be honest, I'm surprised this sort of thing didn't happen sooner." Bones said, continuing the conversation. Jim looked at him questioningly.

"And you still released me for duty?"

Bones smirked and sat on his bed.

"I know you Jim" he started, looking at him. "If you're not on your ship, then you're not happy. If you're not happy, you'll have a very low chance of recovering from this. Believe me, I know what I'm doing."

"Does that mean I can go and Captain my ship now?" Jim asked hopefully.

"Nice try kid, but no" Bones answered. "You're going to have to let me do my job on this ship, and get you better."

Jim let out a groan of frustration.

"Quit you moaning, as soon as I'm done running your blood work you can leave." Bones rolled his eyes at Jim and got up to leave the room, muttering under his breath.

Jim glanced around the room. It wasn't unfamiliar, it was the room he was put in every time he was injured on an away mission, which was way too often in Bones' opinion. He instantly felt agitated. He had never felt at ease in hospitals, even with his experience of being a patient so many times. He also had nothing to do. Thankfully, he wasn't connected to any machinery, so there wasn't a constant, annoying beep. There was just a vitals machine above his head that would go off if he was close to cardiac arrest or something.

He decided to get out of bed and contact the bridge using the communicator on the wall.

"This is the Captain, come in bridge." He waited for a few moments for a response.

"Captain, this is Commander Spock, what is it that you require?" The Vulcans voice sounded as monotonous as ever.

"Commander, how's the ship? How close are we to our mission destination?"

There was a long pause, and Spock didn't reply.

"Report Commander" Jim said, in his most Captain-y voice.

"I apologise Captain" Spock finally said "I have been forbidden to reveal any information concerning out current mission status."

"Was it Bones that told you that?" Jim asked, frustrated.

"The Doctor seems to think it best for your health, Captain. I am therefore obliged to follow his advice."

Jim was starting to get angry.

"I'm the Captain of this ship, Spock, so I want to know where the hell we are" he protested.

There was another pause.

"I am aware of you status aboard this vessel and with all due respect Captain, I value your health above all other duties that are required of me as your First Officer. I suggest that you use this time to concentrate on recovering to your peak health. Bridge out."

Jim gaped at the wall communicator. He didn't know what surprised him more, the fact that Spock just admit he cared about Jim, or that the Vulcan hung up on him. Smirking a little at the thought of the former, he got back into his bed. He fully expected Bones to hypo him into oblivion if he was caught wandering around.

He started to fidget with the blankets after a minute of doing nothing. He briefly considered sending a Yeoman to get some paperwork from his office that needed doing. He eventually decided against it, wanting to take Spock's advice, and rest. He reached for the bedside cabinet, and found the book he had started the last time he was there. 'A Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy' was sort of apt in his opinion, and in no time at all, he was lost in the story.


	2. Chapter 2

Nyota Uhura leaned against the door frame observing the Captain before her. The relationship between her and Jim had been rocky from the start, but since serving on the Enterprise together, they had started to respect and rely on each other no end. He was a constant source of strength for her. But now, lying in the hospital bed reading a kids book, he looked so…young. But old. Young and old at the same time. She shook her head, expelling those thoughts.

"Good book?" she asked, finally making her presence known. Jim jumped slightly. He had been doing that a lot since Khan. Once he realised it was her, he relaxed.

"Yeah." He smiled, a genuine smile, not the usual cocky grin he flashed at her from across the bridge. "You should try it sometime."

"It's mine" she told him, walking into the room. The surprise was evident on his face. "Spock asked me what book I thought you would like. I gave him that to give to you the last time you were in here."

"Oh" he said as she sat in the chair beside his bed. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She replied quietly. They sat for another few seconds in silence. It wasn't awkward, it was peaceful. Being the head of communications, Uhura knew how important body language was. She could tell Jim was struggling to say something to her.

"Is there something wrong with Spock?" he asked finally. She smirked to herself internally. It was just like Kirk to worry about someone else (especially Spock) when he was the one lying in a hospital bed.

"In what way?" she asked him. "I don't know," Jim pulled his fingers through his hair. "He seems…nicer lately." Uhura hesitated slightly, but decided not to beat around the bush.

"Spock and I broke up." Jim looked surprised to say the least.

"When did this happen?" he asked in his 'Captain voice'. Not a good sign.

"Last month." She answered, but she didn't respond. He looked deep in thought. After a few moments, he asked,

"When were you planning to tell me Lieutenant?" He was calling her Lieutenant. This wasn't a conversation between friends any more, but one between a Lieutenant and her Commanding Officer. Jim probably hadn't realised he'd done it.

"We were going to inform you when the information became relevant." He just nodded, and kept silent. "To be honest Jim, it's still a bit raw, you know?" her professional composer crumbled under his icy blue gaze. As soon as she said it though, his eyes warmed.

"It's ok Uhura," He assured her. "I just need to know these things, in case it affects you working relationship."

"I get it, we just need some time. I did at least." He nodded his understanding, and she relaxed.

"Do you…" he hesitated "I mean – do you want to talk about it?" She was taken aback by his question. Everyone knew Jim and Spock were close. Over the past two years, they had both been through so much together, especially recently. Though she would never admit it out loud, the relationship that Jim had with Spock was part of the reason she had ended things with the latter. But despite that, Jim was willing to listen to her bitch about Spock. He was willing to lend a shoulder to cry on, or offer her words of comfort. None of these things were needed (she had Carol if she ever needed to talk to anyone) but they were appreciated none the less.

"Thanks, but no thanks" she replied casually. "You might want to talk to Spock though" she added. "He thinks he can meditate his feelings away, but he needs someone to talk to. There's something going on with him but I just can't put my finger on what's bothering him."

"Ok" Jim told her, frowning slightly. "How's the bridge?" he asked, completely changing the subject. She shook her head, smiling at him slightly. "Sorry Kirk, no can do. I'm not stupid enough to go against the doctors' orders."

"Come on Uhura, please?" he looked at her with his puppy dog eyes. "I just want to know where we are." She chuckled lightly, and said,

"If anything went wrong, you know Spock would tell you immediately." He nodded at her words. She checked the time on her watch and stood up. "I have to go back on shift now." She told him "but I'm sure you'll get more visitors soon. Spock's letting everyone come to visit if we don't have anything pressing to do for the mission." She smiled at Jim. "I hope you get better soon."

"I'll be fine." He told her as she started walking out of the room. "Uhura" Jim called as she got to the door. She turned back to face him. "Could you ask a Yeoman to get some paperwork for me to do from my office?" she smiled at him mischievously.

"Yes Captain, I'll just go and ask Dr McCoy if that's ok." The last thing she saw was his face pale as she walked out the room.


	3. Chapter 3

It turns out, Bones wasn't really that fussed about Jim doing his work.

"As long as you're in bed resting, you can do whatever the hell you want." He'd told Jim.

So when Sulu came to see him, he was halfway through a stack of papers he had to sign for engineering. As soon as he saw the Helmsman though, he put them to one side.

"Hi Captain." He said, walking into the room. "How are you doing?"

"I've been better." He answered honestly

"You've got that right!" He heard Bones call through the door. Jim rolled his eyes and Sulu grinned.

"What's been going on Sulu?" Jim said, fishing for information.

"You know I can't say." He replied, still smiling. "But... If I could, I would say that we're on course to our destination, maybe a little behind schedule because of an unexpected health scare."

Jim smiled at his friend. Since jumping off a platform thousands of meters in the air to save his life, Sulu had grown fond of Jim, and vice versa. Falling to their deaths together bonded them in a way no other could.

"Well that sounds dull, I'm not really missing out on anything exciting am I?" Jim joked.

"No, not really, but I do prefer you bossing me around more than Spock. I don't think he trusts me since the first time I piloted this ship."

Jim laughed, recalling the tale Pike told him about the external inertial dampener.

Pike. His laughter stopped abruptly and he felt a wave of nausea as he remembered his mentors lifeless body lying in Spock's arms. he vaguely heard the sound of monitors beeping in the background, but he couldn't get the horrifying image out of his head. he was shaken back to reality by Bones.

"Jim... Jim... Hey, it's fine. You're going to be ok."

He sucked in a gulp of air, focusing on him and Sulu.

"Yeah." he replied shakily "Yeah, I know." Even though he didn't. He didn't know if he would ever be fine again. Sulu smiled at him, with pity in his eyes. Jim hated that look. He got that look all the time after he had gotten out of the hospital a year ago. He didn't say anything.

"Sulu, if you wouldn't mind, I think the Captain needs a bit more rest." Bones said.

"Sure thing." Sulu nodded "Get better soon." He left the room. When he was gone, Jim sighed and looked at Bones.

"I don't want to sleep." he told his best friend.

"No, you don't want to dream." He replied. Bones was spot on, as he usually was about things that concerned Jims health. "You are going to sleep, and I'm going to give you something to help stop the nightmares" He added firmly. There was no arguing with him. Jim let out a frustrated sigh.

"You don't even give me a choice." Jim whined. Bones shrugged his I-know-better-than-you shrug, and picked up a hypo-spray. He felt a sharp prick in his neck, and he felt himself slowly drift out of consciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

Jim woke up several hours later, satisfied that Khan's face hadn't haunted his dreams.

"Ah, Cap'n, I was wonderin' when you were going to open them freakily blue eyes of yours."

His 'freakily blue eyes' fell on his sandwich loving Scotsman of a chief engineer.

"Scotty" he grinned, greeting his new guest. True to his character, Scotty pulled two huge subs from him bag and proceeded to hand one to Jim. He hadn't realised how hungry he was until then.

"You're the best" he tried to say with his mouthful. Scotty seemed to hear him, as he replied,

"I know"

Their impromptu picnic was over in minutes as both men practically inhaled the food. Scotty let out a satisfied grunt.

"That was good." he said, leaning back in the visitors chair. Jim made a noise of agreement, but didn't attempt to talk. They sat there in comfortable silence for a few moments.

"How's everything in engineering?"

"Everything's fine Cap'n, nothin' to report." Scotty replied.

"Ok" Jim said sceptically. He couldn't remember that last time there was 'nothing to report' from engineering. But Jim knew that even Scotty (who had lost Admiral Archers prize Beagle) wasn't going to break the rules, and tell Jim exactly what was going on.

When Jim woke in the hospital, after Khan's attack, Scotty was the only one to act normal around Jim. There was no worrying glances, or avoiding the subject with Scotty. He was just angry that Jim had punched him in the face. Jim was grateful for that little slice of normalcy, in a chaotic time.

Bones walked into the room as he was reminiscing.

"Sorry Scotty, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." he said in his southern drawl. Jim started to protest, only to be cut off by the doctor. "Your blood work has come back from the lab. We need to go over a few things, then you can go." Jim grinned, happy the be getting out of there.

"I'll see you later Cap'n." Scotty said and left the room. Bones sat in the chair the Scotsman had vacated.

"So, What's wrong with me Bones?" Jim asked.

"Well, like I suspected, you do have PTSD." His best friend told him, going into full 'doctor mode'. "But, I don't think that's all. The PTSD along with the exhaustion you're feeling because of the nightmares is making me think you're still being affected by Khans blood."

Jim's heart grew icy. He visibly paled and his hands started to shake. He was on his way to another panic attack.

"You mean that son of a bitch is still messing with me? I thought he was gone, I thought-"

"Jim, you misunderstand me." Bones said, trying to calm him down. "You have the PTSD and exhaustion because of what you've been through. But Khan's blood is trying to cure it, not make it worse." He explained.

"Oh" Jim said, surprised.

"It's not really working though," Bones continued "The blood is repairing any physical damages, as we know, but it can't fix any of the psychological damage. If it could, I'm pretty sure Khan wouldn't be a raging mass murderer."

"So what do we do?" Jim asked, sounding a lot younger that he was.

"I want you to go to a weekly therapy session. It doesn't have to be with me, I can ask one of the other doctors on the ship. You really need to talk about this with someone."

Jim glared at Bones as he was talking. He didn't want to moan about his problems to complete strangers, let alone Bones. He didn't want Bones to know how messed up he really was. He would have no choice but to report Jim's mental status to Starfleet. And then Jim would be kick off his own ship, and that wasn't going to happen.

"No way" Jim told the doctor. "I'm not going to whine about my little problems for an hour every week. That's not happening. It's a waste of time and resources." he threw the blankets off him and got up. Bones stood and grabbed his arm as he tried to escape through the door.

"I thought you'd say that" he told Jim "but your problems definitely aren't 'little'. Jim, if you won't let me help you, let someone else. You need to talk to someone. Call your mother, or brother. Hell, even the hobgoblin will do. "

Jim looked at him for a second, nodded, then left the room. Bones was right, his problem were in no way little, but that didn't mean he had to burden someone else with them. When he got to his quarters, he headed straight for the bedroom. He may have had a couple of hours sleep in the sick bay, but that didn't mean he'd caught up on all the sleep he'd missed because of those damn nightmares. Maybe he should get Bones to put him on medical leave for a day or two, he thought just as he was loosing consciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

Jim woke from his nightmare with a start, still able to see Khan's face looming above him in the dark. He shook his head trying to expel the image. When his heart beat faded back to normal, he rolled out of bed and headed straight for his bathroom to have a shower. He hated the lingering scent of the medical bay on his body, and a shower would get his mind off Khan, at least for a little while.

He dressed in his Captain's gold uniform when he got out, even though his shift didn't start until 3 hours later. He decided to catch up on all the reports sent to him when he was in the medical bay. He needed to know how much progress they had made since yesterday. It was monotonous work, reading and signing various things, but he found the crew had been telling him the truth yesterday, nothing much had happened in his absence. He was just finishing up when someone knocked on his door.

"Come in." he said, wandering who it was at this hour in the morning.

The door opened to reveal Spock. Of course it was Mr 'I-do-not-require-as-much-sleep-as-humans-do.'

"Good morning Spock." he greeted the Vulcan with his signature grin. "What can I do for you?"

"Captain, I do not require any assistance at present, however I believe I can do something for you." As he was talking he held out a cup of coffee.

"Oh my God Spock, you of a life saver." Jim told him, taking a big sip. He was craving his morning coffee since he got up.

"Though I have saved lives in the past, I do not believe this act merits-"

"It's an expression" Jim interrupted, waving his hand towards his desk. "Do you want to sit down?"

Spock didn't answer, but sat in the chair he usually occupied when they were playing chess.

"How is your health, Captain." Spock asked as soon as he was settled. Jim sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"It's Jim, we're not on duty. And I'm fine."

"'Fine' has variable definitions, it is not acceptable." Spock stared at him, still expecting an answer. Jim glared right back. "You did not appear to be 'fine' when I carried you to the medical bay." He added. Jim felt his cheeks warm. Since when did he blush? "Dr McCoy also informed me of your unstable state of mind."

"I'm not crazy" Jim spat, finding it hard not to shout at him first officer.

"You misunderstand me, Jim. I do not think you are 'crazy'. It is my understanding that you are experiencing nightmares when you sleep, and is causing mental anguish and exhaustion. I-" Spock paused, as if searching for the right words. "I have some experience in these matters." Jim blinked at the Vulcan's confession.

"You get nightmares?" he asked "I didn't know Vulcans could dream."

"It seems I have inherited the trait from my mother." Spock admitted.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, referring to the nightmares.

"I believed it to be of little consequence. I thought it logical that you should concentrate on your own recovery." Jim translated that as Spock speak for 'I care about your health more than mine'. He was oddly flattered at the thought. He took another gulp of his coffee, and continued the conversation.

"When did these dreams start?"

Spock hesitated before he answered,

"As you know, I stayed by your side for two weeks in the hospital before you woke. The dreams started then. I assumed it would stop once you were - once everything returned to normal, but I was...wrong."

"You should have told me Spock." Jim said, ignoring the way his heart beat a little faster at his words. There was no point thinking Spock feels the same way as I do, he told himself sternly. It was a battle Jim was familiar with, but he couldn't help thinking there was hope, now that Spock and Uhura had broken up. He was a terrible person.

"And how is my situation any worse than yours? You will not ask for, nor accept help, so why should I?" Though he didn't alter his calm exterior, Jim could tell Spock was angry. He didn't know how, but he was beginning to be able to read the Vulcan. Maybe it was those big brown eyes staring at him.

"It's not the same" Jim said, looking away. "I'm used to this. I know how to deal with it." And God knew that's true. The old nightmares about Tarsus still came back to haunt him.

"You should not be 'used to it'" Spock pressed. Jim stared at the Vulcan, then promptly buried his head in his arms on the desk. He knew he was acting like a spoiled child, but really, he was getting sick of this conversation. It not like the nightmares would go away, Tarsus proved that. A few minutes passed without either of them saying anything. Finally, Jim gave in.

"What do you want from me?" he asked, looking up at Spock.

"I believe I have a solution that will benefit both of us."

"I'm listening." Jim said, somewhat sceptically.

"As you know, Vulcans meditate to balance our emotional state. I propose that I teach you to meditate. I believe it will help maximise your sleeping potential."

"You think meditating will help me sleep?" Jim asked. Spock nodded him head in answer to the question. "What do you get out of it then?"

"It often comforts me to meditate in the presence of someone I...trust." The hesitation before the word 'trust' made his stomach flip, and his heart pound. He thought Spock was going to say something else. Jim squinted for a second, thinking he saw the Vulcans skin blush light green. But he must have been imagining it. He thought about the offer instead, for a few moments. Meditation, he always thought, was a load of bull, for humans at least. He knew it worked for Spock, which is why he found himself agreeing to it.

"Ok, Spock. Instead of our chess tonight, we'll meditate." Who was he to deny his help to Spock. The Vulcan nodded, getting up from his chair.

"I will see you on the bridge in 34 minutes." And with that, made his way out of Jims quarters.

Jim spent the rest of his 34 minutes getting breakfast and idling around his quarters with nothing to do. It was a weird feeling, not being constantly busy. But he couldn't help wondering, as he lay on his couch, what meditating with Spock was going to be like. He didn't know why, but he felt quite nervous. Meditation was supposed to be a private and solitary thing. But like Spock said, he...trusted Jim.

Not wanting to think about it until he had to, Jim made his way to the bridge 10 minutes early for his shift.


	6. Chapter 6

The rest of the day was a blur. His shift on the Bridge was uneventful, except a small incident in the science labs, so Spock had gone to take care of it. The Bridge was quiet, maybe a bit too quiet. Everyone was doing their jobs perfectly, as always, but there was none of the usual quite chatter between the crew. Jim couldn't help think it was because of what happened the day before. He tried not to think anything of it. When his shift was over, he when to visit Bones in the sickbay.

"Jim, unlike you, I have a very important job on this ship." he growled at Jim when he strolled into Bones' office. "What do you want?" Of course he was still mad about their little spat yesterday. Bones really knew how to hold a grudge.

"I just came by to tell you I talked to Spock." Bones blinked at his statement and put his PADD down.

"Well, let's celebrate. You've never done anything I've told you to do before. Ever." He said in a dry tone. Jim grinned at him.

"Any excuse to open the Bourbon."

"No can do Jim, I do actually have a lot of work to do." Bones said, gesturing towards the PADD. "Maybe tomorrow."

"Sure Bones." Jim said, a little disappointed. It felt like he hadn't spent a lot of time with his best friend lately. And he really wanted to get pissed. Spock was dealing with the lab incident, and he didn't want to be alone. Sighing inwardly he told Bones "See you tomorrow" and promptly left the sickbay.

Jim started to wonder around after he left Bones' office. He didn't want to go back to his solitary quarters just yet. Normally, he would go down to engineering and help out, but under the circumstances, he doesn't think that was a good idea. he strolled into the officer's break room, not expecting to find anyone. Most people were either on duty, or eating in the Mess, so he was surprised to find Carol Marcus sitting alone in the corner of the room. She hadn't noticed Jim yet, and he wondered if he should slip out quietly before she did. He decided against it. Carol, he knew, was still pretty shaken up after the events of the previous year. She had watched her Father being brutally murdered, and Jim couldn't help feel partially responsible for that.

Jim walked over to Carol's table, and sat opposite her. She looked up, startled for a second, then relaxed when she saw it was him.

"Captain." She greeted, with her British accent.

"We're not on duty Carol," he told her, smiling. "You can call me Jim."

"Jim" She amended. He looked down at the PADD in front of her.

"What are you doing?" he asked, curiously.

"Just finishing a report" She replied airily. "I - um - I heard about what happened. Are you Ok?"

Jim instantly tensed and didn't answer her. Rumours were already going round the ship? He shouldn't be surprised.

"What exactly did you hear?" He asked cautiously.

"Well, everyone's saying you had an 'unexpected health scare'." He winced slightly at her wording. He really didn't want the crew thinking he couldn't captain his ship. "But I just assumed you had some sort of panic attack." Carol continued. Jim was surprised to say the least. Only Bones and Spock knew about that. Although Sulu probably guessed because of what happed in the sickbay. Jim sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"How did you know?" He asked her, and she shrugged, smiling sadly.

"Takes one to know one." She said softly. "It's fairly obvious to me that you suffer from PTSD as I...I share you symptoms. I can spot it quite easily.

"You have PTSD?" Jim asked, before he thought about how personal that was. Carol didn't seem to mind.

"I used to have it really bad, you know? I had panic attacks and flash backs every week. I jumped every time someone talked to me. I couldn't watch any movies with violence. I was a mess." The sad smile was back.

"I could've help-"

"No Jim." She interrupted. "You were dealing with you're own shit. Besides, I'm better now. I'm coping." She shrugged. Jim looked at her, trying to tell if she was lying. it didn't seem like it, but Jim vowed to keep an eye on her from now on.

"Ok, but you still should've told me."

"I didn't want you to think I couldn't do my job." And Jim could definitely relate to that.

"But you got help, didn't you?" He asked.

"I don't think I could've gotten through the first year without Dr McCoy" She said, blushing slightly. He raised his eyebrow Spock-style at that, but didn't say anything. The was definitely something going on between her and his best friend. Bones, he knew, was smitten.

They were silent for a few seconds, but not awkwardly so.

"I should be going." Jim told her, getting up. "But I want you to know, you can ask for my help anytime." he said sincerely.

"Likewise" She said simply. "You should focus on getting yourself better."

He smiled at her slightly.

"I'll try." He said over his shoulder as he walked away.


	7. Chapter 7

After leaving Carol in the break room, Jim made his way back to his quarters. He had done all his paper work for the day this morning, so was left with nothing to do. He had a quick bowl of pasta from the replicator in his room, then decided to watch a holovideo. He was just settling down to watch the latest action flick, when his door chimed.

"Come in." He said and, to his surprise, Spock strode in. He got up off the sofa. "Spock, I didn't expect to see you tonight."

"We arranged for our weekly chess match to be replaced by meditation tonight Captain." Spock told him. Jim frowned in confusion.

"Yeah, but I thought you were dealing with the lab incident."

"It was a minor spillage of a harmful substance. I have 'dealt with' the clear up and the paper work. If you were not expecting my presence, and wish for me to leave, I will-"

"No Spock," Jim said, cutting him off. "I don't want you to leave."

Both men were silent for a moment. Spock nodded a second later, and started rummaging in the bag he was holding.

"So . . . meditation." Jim said, trying to break the awkward silence. Spock said nothing, and started lighting weird smelling candles around the room. He then sat down on the rug, and asked the computer to turn off the lights. The room was instantly plunged into darkness, with only the candle lights flickering around the room. Jim thought it was quite creepy, especially with the weird smell.

"Could you sit down opposite me Captain?" Spock asked quietly. Jim did as he was asked.

"Call me Jim." He muttered, wondering how many times he would have to ask the Vulcan to put aside protocol. "Whenever we aren't on duty." He added. Spock nodded slightly, but otherwise ignored the comment.

"Do you understand the concept of meditation, Jim?"

"Um, I know Vulcans use it to control their emotions, and that it doesn't really work for humans." He answered honestly.

"Meditation has been proven to work for humans, when they are taught the Vulcan method." Spock countered.

"Well ok then," Jim shrugged "it's not like me to have a closed mind, teach me everything you know."

"I believe if I taught you everything I know, we would be here for an extended period of time." Spock said, and Jim snorted and rolled his eyes, knowing Spock was joking. It was a rare occurrence, but had been known to happen. "However, you will need a relatively 'open mind'" He continued. "Firstly, you must get yourself into a comfortable position. We may be here for a long time, and moving will make it more difficult to concentrate."

Jim nodded, and loosely crossed his legs beneath him. He glanced over at Spock, who was still in his stiff-as-a-statue Vulcan mode. It didn't look very comfortable, but Jim didn't comment.

"Ok." He told the Vulcan when he was ready.

"Secondly, you need to rid your mind of all thought, rendering yourself to be completely calm and still."

Jim paused for a second, thinking about what he was being asked to do. 'Rid yourself of any thought?'

"How am I supposed to not think anything?" Jim voiced his troubles. Spock looked at him for a second. Jim swore he saw a hint of mischief in those big brown eyes.

"I had not anticipated this would be a problem for you."

Jim gaped at the Vulcan, before throwing his head back in laughter. Did the sly Vulcan just call him stupid? Jim thought he saw a smirk on his face, before it vanished just as quickly as it appeared. Spock had just told his second joke of the night. One more and Jim would start to suspect Spock had been drinking alcohol, or God forbid hot chocolate. Spock quickly returned to the matter at hand.

"I recommend you start by anticipating the thoughts you may have beforehand." He saw the confused look on Jim's face and explained further. "Think of any problems or difficulties your mind is currently occupied with, and cast them aside. They do not matter now. The only thing that matters is you and your health."

"Ok." Jim said, trying to understand what Spock was asking him to do. He closed his eyes.

The obvious problem that he had was his health. How was he supposed to forget about the nightmares and the fear he was feeling? He decided to employ a method that had worked for him after Tarsus all those years ago. Put everything into a mental box, and shove it to one side to deal with later. He did this, and moved on to the next problem. He sorted through everything he could think of, from his spat with Bones, to an argument with Admiral Archer. When he couldn't think of anything else that was bothering him, he just sat. It was a weird feeling really. He wasn't thinking anything. He could just sit, and . . . be. Just exist without having to do anything. Spock was right, it was extremely calming, but it didn't last long. He didn't think it lasted long anyway. But when he opened his eyes slightly, he saw the candles had melted a lot. They must have been sitting there for quite some time.

Spock was sitting in front of him still, eyes closed. He looked different. His face was relaxed, nothing like the stiff Vulcan Jim was used to. He looked peaceful and calm, and maybe a bit . . . happy? All of a sudden, Spock's whole being changed. His body had gone completely ridged, and his face was screwed up in anger and fear. He had only seen that look on the Vulcan twice before, and that was when people were dying, his mother and Jim himself. Something was wrong in that Vulcan brain of his, but Jim had no idea what to do. Should he snap Spock out of his trance, or should he wait for him the stop dreaming? After a minute, Spock started shaking, and Jim decided he couldn't just sit there and do nothing.  
Crawling over to Spock, Jim put his hands on both of the Vulcans shoulders, shaking him slightly. When nothing happened, he tried again, but harder, this time calling out "Spock! Wake up!" At the sound of Jim's voice, Spock twitched slightly, but still didn't open his eyes. Jim decided Spock could only hear him. He shifted closer the Spock's quivering form. He desperately wanted to stop what was going on in the Vulcan's mind  
to make him this emotional.

"Spock, listen to me." Jim started, still shaking his shoulders. "It's not real. None of its real. I'm here Spock, everything's fine-" He was cut off when Spock opened his (slightly moist) eyes. He gasped for breath and as soon as he saw Jim, launched himself at him. Jim found himself being pushed on his back, with a very emotional Vulcan on top of him for the second time in his life. This time it was very different.

"Jim!" Spock half sobbed into his shoulder. "You're alive."

"Of course I'm alive Spock." He said, trying to calm the quivering Vulcan. He reached gently for Spock's face, tilting it so Spock was looking into his eyes. "Everything is ok."

Spock seemed to get the message, because he quickly (disappointingly) got off Jim, and leaned away as for as possible. He was blushing bright green, which Jim found slightly adorable.

"I apologise Captain" He started, trying to revert back to 'unemotional Vulcan' mode. Jim wasn't having any of that.

"Hell no Spock, you have nothing to apologise for, and for God's sake call me Jim."

Spock looked at him for a long minute and finally nodded, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. Jim's heart melted for the Vulcan.

"Are you ok?" he asked, trying to get him to talk. Spock stayed silent and nodded again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked hesitantly. Spock shook his head. Jim sighed, but didn't say anything. Spock didn't either, so they both sat in silence. This was going to be a long night.


	8. Chapter 7 - part 2

Minutes passed and still neither of the men spoke. Jim wasn't going to let Spock leave until he knew what was wrong. Spock seemed to know this, because he didn't make any attempt to leave. Either that, or Spock didn't want to go. Yeah right, Jim thought, wishful thinking.

Spock stood up suddenly and started blowing candles out around the room. He put them back in his bag, and returned to where he was previously sitting. He was still for a moment, and then spoke.

"Whether you require an apology or not, I am sorry for my reaction to the meditation. I should not have suggested you participation."

"I don't care about that, Spock." Jim told him gently.

"I could have hurt you." Spock replied with an angry glare.

"But you didn't." He countered "I want to know what's wrong, what had you so freaked out?"

"I am not-"

"Don't deny it Spock, I can help." Jim interrupted, and Spock paused, thinking.

"If I tell you my issues, will you allow me to assist you with yours?"

"Yes, now tell me what's going on." Spock was silent. "Tell me what you saw when you were meditating."

"I saw what I see every time I try to meditate. You, lying dead in front of my eyes, yet out of my reach." Spock whispered. Jim's heart skipped a beat at the confession.

"Oh." Was all he could say. He knew Spock cared about him, that much was obvious. But he didn't think his death was an issue for Spock a year later. Neither of them spoke for a while. Jim was trying to think of something, anything to say that would reassure the Vulcan.

"Spock." He said quietly "How long has this been going on for?"

"Since the beginning of this mission. I- I've been having dreams all year, however I believe being back on the ship has triggered the disruption of my meditation." His voice was still laced with emotion, which bad as it may seem, Jim counted as a plus. At least he knew Spock was being honest with him.

"Why didn't you say something?" Jim implored.

"I suspect for the same reasons you did not inform me of your problems." Spock replied in an accusing tone. Fair enough, Jim thought. He sighed and dragged his hand through his hair in frustration. Spock was staring at him with a confused expression on his face. It was weird for Jim, seeing the Vulcan so emotional and illogical. It was everything Spock strived to avoid. But he was letting Jim see him this way. Jim shuffled over the floor to sit next to him, both leaning against the sofa.

"We're really messed up." He stated after a moment. They both looked at each other for a beat. Then Spock's face broke into a small, genuine smile. And Jim couldn't help it, he started laughing. Not particularly at anything, maybe the situation in general. He laughed and laughed. He hadn't laughed like this in a year. When he calmed down, he saw Spock was watching him with a wide grin on his face. Jim suspected this was the closest thing Spock had ever gotten to laughing. Jim was grateful to be here, witnessing it.

"What are we going to do with ourselves?" Jim asked, smile still in place. Spock just shrugged, which sent him into another fit of giggles. Until Spock grabbed his hand.

His laugh was cut off with a gasp. Jim wasn't stupid, he knew what hand holding meant to Vulcan's.

"Jim." Spock breathed whilst studying his hand. Jim had to admit, he liked this knew, emotional Spock. A lot.

Spock was stroking Jim's fingers, and finally looked up. Jim stared at Spock for a few moments, and thought, fuck it.

He leaned forwards, and gently pressed his lips to Spock's, who instantly started to kiss Jim back. He was (of course) perfect at kissing, like he was everything else. It started soft and chaste, but quickly turned desperate.

They broke apart a minute later, Jim panting heavily and Spock only looking a bit ruffled. At some point, Jim had run his hand through Spock's hair, messing up the Vulcan's perfectly angled 'do. He looked adorable with his hair sticking up every which way, and a dark green blush on his cheeks and ears. Not the mention the tiny smirk playing across his lips.

Their hands were still connected, and Jim felt a shiver go through Spock's arm. He never knew Vulcan hands were this sensitive.

Fascinating.

Spock made a small noise in his throat, and let go. Damn touch-telepathy. Jim bit his lip, not knowing what to say. Spock seemed to be in the same predicament.

"That was good." Jim said, which was an understatement.

"For me also." Spock told him. He then cupped Jim's cheek and brought their lips together again. This time it was much softer. Spock broke away again, and rested their foreheads together, so they were breathing the same air, and looking directly into each other's eyes. Somehow, this was more intimate than the kissing, like Spock just wanted to be close to him. A zing of happiness shot through him at the thought, and Spock's breath hitched slightly.

"You can sense it can't you? How I feel?" Jim breathed.

"Yes." He whispered back, lacing their fingers together again. "Does that make you uncomfortable?"

Jim leaned back, looking at Spock.

"No." he replied honestly. "Does it make you uncomfortable?

"No I-" Spock hesitated "I like it. It makes me…happy."

Jim's eyes widened at the confession. Spock hardly ever acknowledges his emotions, much less admit to them.

"Well, I'm happy that it makes you happy." Jim said sincerely. Spock leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

"I think it would be prudent if I left now. You need rest."

Disappointment flared in Jim's gut, and Spock must have felt it.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Jim asked, and the Vulcan did his signature eyebrow raise. "Not to have sex or anything, I just think it would be better if I had someone…if I had you there, for the nightmares?"

Spock seemed to be thinking about his offer.

"If you wish it Jim." He finally said, and Jim grinned.

They both made their way to the bedroom, and stripped down to their boxers. It took every ounce of self-control Jim possessed not to touch the Vulcan. It seemed Spock had the same problem, judging by how many times he glanced over at Jim's naked chest. He rolled his eyes internally at himself for thinking this was a good idea. If he was honest with himself, he really did want Spock here. He was sick of having to deal with the nightmares himself. He had seen Spock completely break down tonight, so he knew the Vulcan wouldn't go running for the metaphorical hills if Jim did the same.

The two men crawled under the sheets and lay side by side, but not touching. Jim knew not to snuggle up to the Vulcan, but he couldn't help brushing their fingers together.

"Goodnight Spock."

"Goodnight Jim."

Jim fell asleep listening to the sound of Spock's breathing beside him.


End file.
